Time passes, people move....
Like a river's flow, it never ends...
A childish mind will turn to noble ambition...
Young love will become deep
The clear water's surface reflects growth...
Am i weird for liking it?
Tuesday. 8.7.07 3:23 pm
I met someone else instead! It seems like I can only meet people off of the internet. I tried meeting people last school yaer but there was always one thing about him that bugged me a lot, something I couldn't put up with.
Paul picked me up on Sunday the 29th. He hugged me when we first saw each other. I didn't really know the San Rafael area so we went to Milpitas and hung out at the malls. It was around lunch time and he wanted Sushi and so we went to this Asian square called Milpitas Square. It had a lot of Asian stores, restruants, and bubble tea places! The sushi place was closed so we walked around a bit. We found a little gift shop full of anime stuff and I bought items to give to people back home. He wanted to buy me something so he bought me a a stuffed Moshimoru, can't spell. Walked around some more with bubble tea in hand until we found a Japanese restruant and ordered some Don Bori. After that we went to Great Mall and I felt sick and shitted my pants. I was like fuckkk i need to shit but there was a long line for the bathroom. I only remember doing that as a little kid. I felt stupid and was shaking in the stalls so i sat there for a long while. I came out and i knew i stunk and so i said that I was feeling sick and so he drove me home, which is like 45 minutes away according to my cousin but Paul took longer. I felt bad and so i asked him if he'd wait like 10 minutes for me to change out of the shit smelling clohes to watch movies right after. He agreed and so I changed. i will still sick. I think I wasn't used to the bubble tea or because i ate so late in the day. We were gonna see that Chuck and Larry movie at great mall until I got sick. I asked him what movie he wanted to see and he said Transformers so we watched that at North Gate. I thought he didn't want to see it cause I thought he already did but he said he saw it on a bootlegged dvd that was in low quality. It was a good movie. We didn't hold hands, too shy >.<
He was hungry so we went to eat at Chilis, I didn't know what else was in the area. I was afraid i'd get sick again so I only had an appetizer, he a burger. It was late and he'd have to drive back home and so he dropped me off. I can't remember if there was a good bye hug, probably was, but the next day he said he wanted to give me a kiss goodbye but held back because I had told him before that I thought kisses felt weird. And they do...
He wanted to see me again and so he picked me up again on thursday the 2nd. Had subway in north gate cause we were hungry and went to milpitas again. I think we watched chuck and larry and got touchier this time with each other and he suggested watching another movie and so i said, "I think this movie has Lindsey Lohan in it, a scary one." and it was, I know who killed me. During the movies I would hold me hand on his lap and accidently rub down there. He was hard xD
I can't remember much details from that day except for later that night. For some reason he doesn't want me to go to his house and so we tried getting a hotel. I think Best Western was really full, there was a room available for 99 bucks that night but it had two beds or something and there was a lot of kids there an so the guy suggested going to Holiday Inn or something just down the road. That place didn't seem bad and had available rooms but we had to be 21 -_-" Paul's only 20 and I 19. And so I remembered on the way to Target to buy a soothing CD that I saw an inn that said rates low as 40 bucks a night. And he was like are you sure about that? I was like yes. I should have said no cause it turned out to be like 60/70 bucks and the room stunk like hell. Executive Inn. Paul said he looked up how much Embassy Suites was cause it was right next to his house. He said it was like 200 a night or something >.< The funny thing was when I turned on the TV was that there was a girl moaning. Someone had left it on the porn channel. We watched TV a bit, still shy. Later we were on top of each other. None of us could cum. I feel bad. He was a virgin. We had a shower/bath together. Cuddled, I wish we had bubbles and a bigger tub.
At 2 in the morning I needed something in my stomache [food wise] and made him take me to Dennys. After eating like half of me sandwich i was feeling sick again. He didn't each much either. We went back to the smelly hotel to try and sleep. I couldn't realy sleep. It was 3 am and we decided to wake up at 9:30 so that'd be like 6.5 hours of sleep but i couldn't sleep. I couldn't help but think that maybe he liked someone else and just used me for sex. Neither of us slept much, we woke up befor ethe alarm went off. Next morning he said he was sad cause he had a dream that i left himf or someone else and that the Utada song that I had on my laptop was playing during his dream. I haven't even listened to that song yet. I wanted to try sex again even if my breath stunk and so he got on top. I wanted thim to cum but I didn't know what to do until I started moving my body with his. After I did that he cummed in like 2 minutes. He was like WOW haha. I can't even remember what I did! When I started moving with him I didn't feel anything at all but he said it felt good >.< I could feel it when it was just him moving. I think we need more experience >.<
hopefully i'll update later. i have to go.
8.10.07 Continued: My memory's bad. I forgot a lot of stuff now.
So on Friday we headed towards Great Mall again with nothing planned. We walk around a bit eat a pretzel for a snack. He wanted to see me try on clothes but that didn't work out so well. I got shy to come out of the dressing room a lot of times or just didnt find anything i wanted to try on.
Later in the afternoon we both were tired so we went to a park with some shade to sleep under but it was hard finding a spot without duck shit on it. All we had was his hoodie to lay our heads on but I was thinking about using it as to lay on. After laying for a while I got itchy from the grass. Paul had several ants crawl on him. He said he used to work at Frey's or something, a huge electronic store, so I asked to go there and see it. it's HUGE. We went to look at the mp3 players and there was this one that could play videos too. I said I wanted one and paul said he had an extra one at home. So later that evening he ran into his house and got a 30 gig Zen video player thingie. Brand new, in its box still. We also watched the Simpsons movie. Later that night we got horny but were too poor for another hotel and found an empty parking lot to do it in. It didn't go too well. It started off as me straddling him with our panties still on. It was hot just dry humping him. We both got naked but I guess the position was bad and very limited since we were in the car. We really tried but I was also tired. So he started rubbing me and I made him rub too hard and I got tighter and then he went in and it hurt. He was like, we're not leaving until I cum. I knew the position we were tyring was bad and so i tried sucking him but I was so tired that I failed at that, like 3 times too. But eventually we gave up and he drovme home. I got in at like 12:30.
I tried asking him if I was his girlfriend. All he said was that long distance relationsips usually don't work out. I thought he liked me but when he said that my heart broke. I asked if we'd see each other again and his reply was, "If you come to Cali again I'll visit you." I asked him about Iowa and he said he doubts he'll ever come.
I don't know, a friend said play hard to get and he'll like me more and implied that being desperate will drive him away.
I can't write for anything but I just wanted it down so I can read later and remember because I know I won't.
Wednesday. 7.4.07 5:35 pm
Haha. Wow. I'm finally updating. Great news! I'm over the guy finally. It really took me forever. I think I officially said he was a fuck face to myself at the beginning of June and stuck by it. Between then and the last update I had some hope of me and him but he kept saying stuff that he'd take me out but he was just all talk. He said he'd take me to In n Out but then he ate there the last weekend and didn't call me. He said he'd take me shopping and I heard him making plans that weekend to a concert and got pissed. So yeah..
But I wanted to write about something else before I forgot. Two weekends ago [July 23/24] a friend I knew from online for about 5 years came to visit the area I'm staying for a while. We had lucnh on Thursday, kinda nervous. He picked me up after work on Friday. It took a while to find the hotel in SF and then to find parking. I was tired so we didn't really go out to go out but to look for some place to eat. We didn't sleep that much cause we tried to... yeah. I think I hurt him more than he hurted me. Saturday came and we just went walking around to the Civic Center area. He was looking for a CompUSA because my laptop kind of died. After walking around we decided to take the bus to the Fishermen's Wharf. It was fun, saw the bay, he took me to the aquairum and eat at a restruant. After that we went back to the hotel and headed to China town. I dragged him out there for 3 hours and i didn't know he was in that much pain. I made him surfer as I went through some stores with cute little useless gadgets. I bought some presents for friends back home and he offered to pay for it all. That night we tried eating at this Japanese restruant because it had an advterisement of a bento box. We went and tried it. I got this fried chicken Japanese style but it wasnt that good but it was better than what he got cause he got ramen noodles but it was hard so he didn't each much. Back at the hotel we tried to rest...
Next morning on Sunday we tried to get up early and headed to the beach. It was a drive away because he didn't want to go to a sucky beach. It was around noon when he finally got to the beach but it was a walk down to it. Across a high way, down a steep path, down some stairs. We weren't dressed for a beach since it was still cold but the sun was warm. We brougth a beach towel and had some jalapeno flavored sunflower seeds and just ate those, talked, and watched the surfers. There weren't that much people at the time. And we got to talking and then I wanted to go shopping again and so we left xD We didn't really stay for long but the strip back to the car was horrible. We had to walk back up the stairs and I had to take 3 little breaks. And the steep patch was killer.
Too lazy to finish. up date later.
A final goodbye
Sunday. 3.11.07 11:39 pm
I don't think he ever cared about me and if he did, I guess it doesn't matter since I have all these insecurities about myself. I think he's relieved that he doesn't have to hear about me nagging or complaing. I'm not sure of anything since we don't even communicate.
The last we spoke was the day before my birthday, March 6th, his best friend's birthday, his ex girlfriend. Doesn't that just sound "funny"? Meh, whatever, he can be friends with who he wants but that day was HER day. When I was on the phone with him he was typing her a Happy Birthday wish. I can't even remember if he wish me me an early happy birthday but that was HER day. He didn't say anything to me nor type jack shit. What he did type on myspace was a god damn bulletin. It makes me think that he purposely didn't say anything so that I would get mad and not want to speak to him again. But I tried calling him that night and just once the next. I even sent him a message on myspace because he turned into a myspace whore saying that I was jealous. I sent him a final emo message. I've sent him ones before but he always had some excuse or reason to why he wouldn't communicate with me. My insecurties just get worse and it feels like history is cycling through again. I can't compete with people's past relationships. I can't compete against anything. I can't get close to anyone. I don't know how to tell people my darkest secrets or why I used to wear a golden necklace everyday. But I took that off today because my self value is at an all time low. I can't trust someone to always be there. I'm lonely.
SCREW CALIFORNIA. I'm not going this summer. My cousin's moving to Reno, Nevada. My head hurts more with each thought. My first and only kiss was by a man who only wanted to get into my pants. I don't want to be me but I don't want to be anybody else. I don't want to live but I'd never kill myself. I always imagine that I'd get some sort of cancer or brain tumor and just die from that and no one would me. Here's something I never told anyne. Back in high school there was a car accident that got in the news. Three boy's my age died and everyone was sad. I asked myself if I died would anyone miss me, the answer was no. Why would they? I believe I am nothing. I'm not close to anyone. There would be no reason for them to. Family? They're just people related by blood. My mom thought my birthday was the 17th. I don't have anyone that I could ask "If I died, would you miss me?" and answer yes. There is Oppa but he just wants my body and has for a long while.
Before I met my roommate, I sort of imagined her as someone like me that I could be close to. It's the exact opposite, we don't even talk much.
If I was to die and had time to flash back on my life and try thinking of something I was proud of or accomplished, I wouldn't have anything except that I once felt loved but even that seems like a dream or a creation in my head. I never got to feel his body or embrace. Nothing.
I almost abandoned here because I could remember the account name but not the password for shit and I couldn't remember the email I used. Today the sign in worked! All my other blogs are too public for people who I know in real life or have my name in which people can google and find. I think I removed all of my identities on here in which people can't do that.
I wish I could stop crying
Monday. 12.4.06 12:09 am
I didn't think I would lose contact with him so suddenly. Maybe his mom made him drive and he got pulled over and was sent to jail. He never drove because he was afraid and wanted to avoid that.I was finally ableto answer an unavailable call but I don't have 1-800-Collect or whatever account set up on my phone. And he hasn't written. Off to bed
Wednesday. 11.15.06 12:43 am
I don't feel too good.
Things take time.
I hate time.
I'll try to wait patiently. I don't exactly have a choice on waiting.
Hopefully this weekend brings something.
I can't get it out of my mind though. He said he'd take his computer with. I saw him on MSN for a while, a long while with that music feature on.
Long time no seen
Thursday. 10.5.06 11:37 pm
If you're still reading this, em yeu anh <333
I started college.
I might end up like my brother.
He dropped out of college. I swear he was gone for only 10 days.
Don't worry. He's a dad now. He graduated from a community college. He's satisfied with that and likes his job
I don't know what to do.
Should I be a possible canidate for 'Girls Gone Wild' video or something else?
But really, I don't know. I was thinking about becoming a nun.
It'll be a good explanation for why I'm still a virgin.
Who cares what statistics say. Live life with statistics in the head and I'll never use the public toilet.
I'm listening to foreign music. I don't know what it means. It doesn't need meaning. I just need it to sound cool.
Or to sound like it has some meaning.
And this is how I really write my papers, short, choppy, unflowy.
I can't flow. I'm not a raper or rapper.
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